I Love You
These three little words are probably the most frequently used by all of us in our relationships. Whether it is between husband-wife, mother-child, brother-sister, lovers or just very good friends, you find these 3 words being used everywhere. As an Indian, I was not used to hearing these words when I grew up. There was this belief that one does not need to constantly tell someone that we love them. It was supposed to be expressed and experienced. Once I moved out of India these 3 words became so prominent that there would not be a day gone by without me hearing someone saying these words. You hear a father telling his daughter “I love You” or a husband just telling his wife on the phone “Love you”.
My mom and I were talking few years ago about this and she reminded me of the old movies where love was expressed without a word being spoken. When they first started producing movies, there was no audio but yet you could “see” the love even if you dint “hear” it. All of us know that we don’t need to know a language or even be able to speak to express love. Mother Teresa was an epitome of love and she touched the lives of millions without having to tell anyone that she loved them. We all have met at least 1 person in our lives from whom we received love without them uttering a word. Dogs and other animals express their love for their owners purely by their actions. Nature expresses its love by giving us everything that we need to live our lives with. So if love does not need words, why do we as humans have this constant urge to keep saying “I Love You”. Relationship experts prescribe this almost as a panacea and ask us to keep telling our loved ones that we love them.I wonder why ?
We have got so sucked into this psychology that if for some reason the other person does not say “I Love you” for even 1 day, we start cultivating all kinds of thoughts in our mind. A wife may start thinking that the husband does not care anymore or the parent might think that their children don’t respect them or a lover might think that his/her partner has lost interest in them. Why has our emotion of love become so weak and fragile that we are hurt at the slightest and silliest of things? Why have we become dependent on people saying and doing things for us to make us feel loved?
Have you ever wondered what is it about our family and our closest friends that makes us feel loved? Have you thought about what it means to “Love” someone? Love may have many definitions for everyone but there are some universal rules which govern love.
Unconditional Acceptance
This is probably the most important element of love. We have all heard that we should accept people as they are. While it is something which is often heard and preached, it is not something which we practice. Acceptance means being comfortable with the other person the way he or she is. Acceptance means to recognize and acknowledge the other persons beliefs, views, opinions without criticizing or undermining them. Acceptance means that even if you do not agree and approve of the other persons behavior, you don’t try and forcefully change it. More importantly acceptance means to be at peace with yourself on the inside knowing perfectly well that the other person is not what you expect them to be.
A lot of people have misunderstood acceptance to mean being aloof or not caring for the other person. Acceptance does not mean that you will not say or do anything. It does not mean that you resign to the situation and play the victim. Acceptance also does not mean that you agree to what the other person is saying or doing. We need to understand in relationships is that we don’t have to agree on everything. Its absolutely fine and normal to disagree on things.
The ironic thing is that we find it difficult to believe and accept people, but are more than happy to accept that conflict, arguments and flights are normal and a part of life. Change how you look at people. Consider them to be ‘different” rather than being ‘wrong”. It’s easier for us to accept people being “different” but not who we think are “wrong”.
Acceptance is the biggest reason why we feel comfortable with some people while not with others. Ask yourself, do you truly and unconditionally accept the people whom you love? Where there is acceptance, you will experience love.
Unconditional Respect
Respect goes hand in hand with acceptance. Respect is complete acceptance of the other person irrespective of what the other person says or does.
Very often you hear people saying that “I have lost all respect for him because of what he did”. We need to be clear here that respect has nothing to do with the other person. It has everything to do with you. Why do we say that we have lost respect? It is usually because the other person has said or done something which according to our beliefs, views and opinions is “NOT RIGHT”. Stop and ask yourself, if you were to do something which you believed to be right and someone dear to you said they don’t respect you, would that be fair on you. Obviously not, because you were doing what you thought was right.
Respect means there is
- No Blame
- No Judgment
- No Control
- No Criticism
What’s even more scary is that sometimes all it takes is one act from the other person for us to lose respect for that person. We respect the other person as long as they are doing things according to our notion of what is right. The moment they do something outside those boundaries, we say we lose respect. This is not respect. We must learn to separate the “Act” from the “Person”. We could say that I do not approve of what they did rather than criticizing the person himself. The person is more than just that one act.
Unconditional Freedom
If you love them, set them free. Another one of those adages we have been told time and again. Letting go does not mean you let your children do what they want or you don’t care when your spouse, partner or friend is doing something which may hurt them. Letting go simply means to let go of the urge to “control” the people you love. Now, you might be thinking, I don’t try and control my loved ones. If you are a parent you knowingly or unknowingly are trying to control your children. I know I do. We want our children to be and do what we think is right. We do this because we think they are children and they don’t know what’s right or wrong. We need to understand that our job as parents is to guide and empower our children. So while you should advice and instruct your children, let them make mistakes and learn from them. Protect them when necessary from physical danger. Just because something did not work for you, it does not mean it won’t work for your child either. Similarly, let go of the need to constantly correct your spouse or your friend.
Freedom also means freeing yourself from attachment. Learn to be detached in a relationship. Detachment does not mean you will not take any action. It simply means you will take action without expecting the other person to do exactly as you told them to do. When there is attachment there is fear. Accept people for who they are and let go of any fear.
Love is Liberation. Not Bondage. Love is Freedom, not Suffocation
Unconditional Giving
All of us want love. Every person who has had a broken relationship will tell you that there was no Love left in the relationship. We don’t say I Love You provided You Love me. We just say I Love You. If that’s what we say, why can’t we just focus on what we can give to the relationship rather than thinking and complaining about what the other person is doing or not doing. As harsh as it may sound, Love that is conditional is not Love at all. My wife sometimes asks me what would happen if she stopped loving me. Would I still love her. My answer always has and will be YES!. Thats because I don’t love her for any reason. I just Love her.
All of us would like to believe that we don’t expect anything in return when we love someone and its true up to the point where we may not ask the other person verbally. But in our minds , we harvest the thoughts of expectations and when these expectations are not met we get hurt and go into pain.
If each person focused on just giving love, all relationships would be wonderful and we could put divorce lawyers out of business!
You May Also Like : Expectations and How to Avoid Disappointments
Unconditional Support
One very commonly accepted theory is that when you love someone you feel their pain. When they feel low, you feel low and when they cry you must cry with them. We believe that the more hurt we are the stronger is our love for that person. Ask yourself a simple question. When you love someone, would you like to see them happy or sad? Happy. Right? So if that’s what you want, should you try to inflict pain on them or try and help them come out of the pain? If we know what we should be doing then help me understand how crying and going into pain with the person will help the other person recover. When we love someone our responsibility is to empower them. We cannot empower them if we go into pain. We will ourselves become weak and also add to the other person’s pain.
This does not mean you play down what the other person is going through and tell them it’s no big deal and ask them to move on with their lives. That’s being rude and insensitive. Instead you need to be able to understand and accept what the other person is going through and provide unconditional support to this person and empower him to recover. What does unconditional support mean? It means focusing on supporting instead of criticizing and making them feel guilty. For example if you told your child not to do something and yet he went ahead and did it and failed, your job is to mentally and emotionally support him and not try and play judge and try and point out why you were right. You can be sure that he has learnt his lesson without you telling him. What he needs at that time is love and affection, not advice or criticism.
So do I prescribe that you stop saying I love you. Absolutely not. But when you say it, give it the right attention and energy and let it not be something which flows without purpose like a casual remark. Say it with awareness of the commitment you are making to give unconditional love to them.
Do you think that Unconditional Love can exist? Do you think we can give without expecting? Do you think we can let go of our loved ones and not fear? Share your views in the comments section below.